If you’re like me, you come across or a lot of “expert” dating advice (or have it well-meaningly nudged at you). “How to catch the right guy!”, “Top 10 dating mistakes!”, ”What men wish women would know they don’t want you to know but secretly want you to do so maybe you should know after all but don’t tell anyone because…. shhh it’s a secret.” Tips and tricks of the trade abound- some valuable, some quirky… some completely insane. But I’ve noticed that there are three things that are on almost every list for women. Three rules that are labeled across-the-board dating kryptonite. Three little rules, my dear friends, that basically sum up the reasons I am just really bad at dating.
Here they are:
1. The woman should never try to be the pursuer.
2. On a date the woman should be “flirtatious” and “playful”.
3. Whatever you do, don’t talk about work on a date. Keep conversation light and fun.
The first clear problem is that rule # 2 plays much better to outgoing, extroverted personalities.
I am NOT an extrovert.
I can sit all day with a blanket and a good book no problem. I can travel by myself no problem. I prefer traveling with others, but if it isn’t possible then I happen to find myself to be quite delightful company. I am most definitely an introvert.
Now you might be saying to yourself- “Ok, I see that. Introverts are often a bit more shy and might not naturally come out of their shell and flirt. But wait! What about rule #1 then? That one plays to introverts! You would totally be able to wait on the guy to pursue.”
Normally, yes. That would be true. Except that I am (according to my most recent take of the Myers-Briggs test) not your everyday introvert.
I am… an “Assertive Introvert.” (Seriously??? Who knew those even existed???)
So basically how this plays out in my dating life is this:
If I am curious about a guy and want to get to know him better, but he isn’t asking me out, I get impatient. I mull over this frustration but try to remember rule #1 for as long as I can. “I am not the pursuer. I am not the pursuer” I remind myself again and again. Then, usually within a day or two it’s “Ah! Forget stupid rule #1! Rule #1 is standing in the way of progress!” I think of a way to talk to or ask the guy out. It’s a short little phone call where I only have to be brave for like 30 seconds. My assertive side can handle that tolerably well.
So typically the guy (sometimes probably out of shock) agrees to go. At this point my introverted self gives my assertive self a mental high-five. Way to go assertive self! We are so brave!
My assertive self then decides that it’s done its job and goes on vacation. No forwarding address is provided.
My introverted self now takes over. To be clear, I do not generally mind at all being introverted. It certainly has its perks. It just does come with the catch that it takes me a while to be really comfortable with someone one-on-one. More often than not this means that somewhere early on in the date I will freeze up internally. I just suddenly have no earthly idea what to say to this person that I just asked out. I would have had no problem engaging with them in a group, but as soon as it’s me, him, and some soup and salad, all bets are off.
Honestly, the internal reaction is a bit hard to explain. It reminds me of those YouTube videos of fainting goats. Have you ever seen those? They’re hilarious. The fainting goats bounce all over the place playing and running until something startles them and suddenly they freeze and fall over. That’s me on a date. It’s super attractive.
So how do I get through the date then, you might ask? Naturally, I panic and go right into breaking rule #3 as quickly as possible.
“Well that soup was delicious. Have you heard about the latest Dengue vaccine trials?”
Slam dunk.
You might be thinking, “Well Chantel, you’re a grownup. Just learn how to play the game! Watch people who are good at being ”flirtatious and playful” right out of the gate and do what they do. Elizabeth Bennett it up in here and practice!”
Well, that is a fair point. Even fainting goats get better at staying on their feet with time. But by better, I mean they learn to use fences and such to hold themselves up. Carrying a section of post and rail is not an ideal solution to my problem. But I can pre-prep I suppose and think of things to ask beforehand. Or when I ask people out, maybe I should say they have to commit to 3 dates so they can eventually see me behave like a normal human being? That would go over really well. Darcy and Elizabeth were eventually brought together because Elizabeth’s little sister started dating a creeper. Maybe Arielle can take one for the team?
Hmmm….
Maybe I should stop worrying about this altogether, and just go back to enjoying my book. :)
(Pssssttt- Arielle. Just kidding. Please don’t date a creeper.)
--- by Chantel Sloan