Chantel here. When I was a teenager I was once asked to give a short talk in our local church services about Sabbath day observance. When it was over I got a number of comments suggesting that I would make a great tent-revival minister. You know that scene in the old Disney movie, Pollyanna, where the minister gets up and suddenly yells at the crowd "Death comes unexpectedly!" Make that guy a little frizzy, redheaded 13-year-old girl with thick plastic glasses and you essentially have the picture. It was an inspiring church service.
While time has mellowed me a little bit, there is one place where my inner evangelical still shines bright- that is, getting involved in the love lives of my friends without invitation. We have come to tenderly call these conversations "Chantel moments." It's far more often my male friends on the receiving end of Chantel moments. Lucky fellas.
Here are a few real-life conversational snippets that will give you an example. They all happened at least four years ago, and these people are still my friends, so I'm hoping it's safe enough:
Male friend: "I don't know. It's hard. Girls here are so hard to get to know."
Me: "Well, are you asking any of them out?"
Male friend: "Well, no."
Me: "And you really can't identify the problem here?"
Male friend: "I think rather than guys having to ask girls out, we should have a charity auction where girls bid on going on dates with us."
Me: "A charity auction???"
Male friend: "Yeah, it doesn't have to be a lot. It could just be for change or something. I just think it would be nicer than having to ask girls out."
Me: "What are you imagining in your head? That we are going to sit around with jars of nickels to bid on you guys, and then you're going to donate a giant check for $6.25 to the Ronald McDonald house or something?"
(I may or may not have been physically pulled away from this conversation by my sister, who saw where it was going.)
Me: "So I've noticed you hang out with (insert female best friend's name) a lot. Have you ever considered asking her out?"
Male friend: "Yeah, I've been working up to it."
Me: "Oh. For how long?"
Male friend: "A year."
Me: Jaw drop. "I'm sorry, but do you think she's going to stay single forever? Do you really think that no one else is going to start pursuing her while you wait around? She's amazing!"
Male friend: "Yeah, yeah, I know, but..."
Me: "No buts! Get to it!"
I've had various versions of that last conversation over the years. I like to call it "lighting a fire." And before you label me a hot-headed know-it-all, it did help bring about a marriage once. So, there's that.
Actually, you can go ahead and label me a hot-headed know-it-all, because in this particular arena it's kind of true. Also, when discussing anti-tobacco legislation.
As you can tell, most of these conversations center around proactivity. This is a pretty big soap box issue for me. I think it's because I get really tired of social scenes where I get to know a lot of people at only shallow level. In fact, with my own dating, I now have a three date rule. Everyone's awkward on a first date and just getting comfortable on a second. Unless there's an obvious intractable problem, I think it takes at least three experiences one-on-one (sometimes more) to get to know someone enough to make any kind of decision.
I think the main reason that people aren't more proactive about dating is, of course, fear of rejection. Naturally, right? It makes sense. But it also means we waste A LOT of time trying to date risk-free. "Oh, I just want to make sure he/she's really interested before I ask them out." How are they supposed to know if they're interested in you if they barely know anything about you? That's ridiculous backwards thinking, and I for one won't stand for it!
(deep breathing exercises)
And yes, I said he/she. While I'm very pro-chivalry and think guys should do most of the asking, I'm also up for asking guys to have dinner or something on occasion just to get to know them a little better. Nothing wrong with that. As long as you keep it very casual it's really not that awkward.
So get to it already!